Sunday, August 12, 2007

Man U Is Dogshit and So Is Your Mom

No, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and crown Man U repeat champions of the EPL 2008 season, so quit PMing me about it. I have a better team than Man U: they're called Newcastle United. And while I can rub it in Oli Porter's face, I can talk about how I love Newcastle United more than my wife.

Most probably have not heard of Newcastle United because the team owners are too busy sucking each other's dicks instead of marketing this great team. Instead, I'll do their job and talk about how they not only will help me win my bet over Oli Porter, but help me shut up Man U fans about how they might as well be given the title. I'm not getting any money for this; I'm just sick of Man U fans. And I want to win a bet.

First of all, their nickname is "The Toon." How cool is that. Would you rather be called a bitch-ass Red Devil fan or a Toon? Don't even answer that because if you don't know the answer, then you have AIDS. Plus, instead of all the money spent on hype like Nani and Tevez, they spend smart on solid ass players like Obafemi Martins and Michael Owen. If I had a choice for strikers between Man U's Wayne Rooney/Carlos Tevez and Obafemi Martins/Michael Owen, I would pick Martins/Owen. This has nothing to do with the fact that Wayne Rooney got hurt in Week 1 with a hairline fracture to his foot and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Man U rejected all my bids for Rooney and Tevez in the video game Fifa 07.

Newcastle United can do anything Man U can do and done with less money. Score? You bet your ass. Control the midfield? Ask anyone who's had their bladder stomped on by Newcastle's midfield. Defense? You can enjoy overpaid pansies like Heinze and Man U captain Neville. I'll stick with players with chips on their shoulder like ex-Chelsea bench player Geremi captaining my team and defense.

Sure, Man U has the best flashy player in Cristiano Ronaldo. I'll give them that. But was Manchester United ever featured in the best soccer movie ever, Goal!? If you've never seen Goal!, its about a Mexican player working his way up the ranks to join his dream team. Was it Man U? Nope, it was Newcastle United. Eat shit.

Here is an unbiased comparison between Man U and Newcastle:

In a movie
Manchester United: No
Newcastle United: Yes

You have to be a bitch and call your manager, "Sir"
Manchester United: Sir Alex Ferguson, Yes
Newcastle United: Sam Allerdyce, No

Large payroll
Manchester United: Yes
Newcastle United: No

Went to Champions League just to lose wasting everyone's time
Manchester United: Yes, lost in the semi finals
Newcastle United: No, didn't bother qualifying, so they didn't waste our time

Owned by American NFL owner who has a shitty NFL team
Manchester United: Yes, Tampa Bay Bucs
Newcastle United: No, they don't own shit

Shitty sponsor on chest
Manchester United: Yes, AIG, stupid ass insurance company not even located in Manchester
Newcastle United: No, Northern Rock, a bank, which is more manly, and the bank is located in Newcastle so they stay to their roots

Has players with herpes
Manchester United: Yes, I heard from watching Family Guy
Newcastle United: No, Wikipedia does not either confirm or deny, so that means they don't have any players with herpes

And there you go. Newcastle is better than Man U. In Week 1, Newcastle won 3-1, while Man U tied 0-0 with all that fucking offense. Too ez.

Other stuff I'm interested in

Cheslea won 3-2 with their b-team. Malouda is awesome. Wright-Philips and Lampard suck cock.

Club America won 6-1 over Jaguares after laying an egg 0-0 in Week 1 vs. a newly promoted team. Insua had something to prove to the Argentina National Team busting 4 assists and 1 goal.

Shut up about Beckham.


Nick Pomazak said...

Whats up with Sunderland winning their opener? I thought they sucked azzzzzz...

Oli said...

Sunderland will do well this season. Purely because the players will be scared of what Roy Keane will do to them if they lose.

Patrick N said...

WHO THE HELL IS SUNDERLAND. For them a 1-0 victory was "fantastic." CHECK OUT MATCH QUOTES: